Current Mood: Sad

Time has been difficult. I’ve been out and about for a new job, which is destination nowhere at the moment. I’m either overqualified or under. I don’t know. It sucks so bad, but I’m still determined. So frustrating, I think I feel down about it a little more than I should be.

In the relationship department… it’s at a place where I don’t want it to be.

I don’t know where or how to begin, but feeling shameful is all I have felt in the past month. I came to this side of the country with a breath of fresh air, start a new life, and be with the one I truly love. I have no other reasons. All I have done was make his heart more and more fragile. I am so not perfect. I’ve never lived a perfect life. All I wanted was to have a wonderful life. And when I found it with an even wonderful man, my Jamie, my imperfections tore us apart. I’ve messed up.

I want to believe we can make it because I want it to work so bad.

I am not ready to let go.

Current Mood: Sad

It’s been awhile… Would like to post a catch-up blog, but instead I want to pour my heart out. Sometimes, I want to believe I’m not capable of hurting. As it turns out, that is not true. I’ve broken my true love’s heart when I wasn’t intending to, and I never intend to.

I have known my Jamie for awhile now. The first couple of years we’ve known each other were rough, but when opportunity finally opened, we jumped at the chance of really being together. I can’t even begin to explain how amazing that felt… It was a dream come true. I gave up life in New York and moved to the West for him… I’ll never get tired of telling people that story. We marked that day I arrived to his hometown for good as our official day together. Not long after that, our little girl was conceived. With that addition to our little world, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. I couldn’t ask for anything more.

My man has been so good to me, I feel so damn lucky. I can’t remember being this happy… I thought I was happy before him at one point, but I must have lied to myself. My honeybunz is everything and more. He makes me feel good. I have probably made some people sick to their stomachs when I speak of him. I love him to death, sometimes my heart feels as if it’s going to burst. But I have failed to truly convey those feelings. And because of that, I have crushed his heart. My intentions have always been good. I have no other reasons other than wanting my Jamie 100% and be happy together.

I’m being so vulnerable right now and this is probably the most open I have been in a blog in a long time. I do know what it’s like to be hurt, what pain in the heart feels like… And it sucks. I hope one day my Jamie will know how much he truly means to me and how much I love him. He gave me his heart, his love, and most of all, a beautiful little girl. I have so much to be thankful for.

I was just remembering my time spent on a 5 hour flight going home this past Monday. As I sat and waited for takeoff, an older couple boarded and took their assigned seats next to me. They must have been in their 40′s or 50′s.  I wasn’t sure if they were married or not. I was way too tired to look for rings on their fingers.

During the entire flight, I noticed their subtle displays of affection. They weren’t showy, excessive, or obnoxious at all. Just simple hand holding, hands resting on each others laps, leaning on one another as they spoke and laughed softly… Things like that. The way they interacted together, even as she read her book while he on his laptop or reading his magazine, convinced me that they have been together for a while.

I should have been jealous, annoyed even… But I wasn’t. I was admiring them. Too much, maybe. It was moving and beautiful. The connection and genuine love between them were things I miss and wanted for a long time. Being able to share that with someone for years and years, without having to ask or beg to be held or kissed… Always in the moment, in tune, and completely comfortable with one another.

I hope to have that someday.

Current Mood: Confused

Next step in my life is to make sense of who I am, why I exist, and why I belong here… To make sense of why things turned or turn out the way it did/does… How I became someone others think they could use and abuse. Maybe I was not meant to make sense of it at all.

Someone recently told me, “You’re a smart, sweet, beautiful woman with a lot going for her. You always tell me these stories about guys you’re seeing who treat you like shit. Why? You should be number one. You should be treated like a queen. Any guy to ever be seen with you in the streets should feel like the luckiest bastard in the world, and make you feel like the only girl in the world. So why do you end up with these idiots who can’t see what I see?” I wanted to cry, but held back any tears that needed to fall. Instead I smiled.

Current Mood: Sad

I can’t remember crying my eyes out so much that I couldn’t breathe. It was so hard to focus on my job. But you have given the best 6 years of my life. When things fell apart… When I was feeling low… When I just needed someone to talk to… You were the best listener (sometimes I wished you’d talk back!). You were a very good boy and my saviour. I miss you Stinky… Terribly.